


101 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do In the Imperial Army

by Claude_Lawless



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Gen, List Fic, Not to be taken seriously, Skippy's List
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-12
Updated: 2015-03-12
Packaged: 2018-03-17 04:41:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3515717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claude_Lawless/pseuds/Claude_Lawless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There are some things that no amount of “psychological conditioning” can suppress, and when you’ve got an entire garrison of stormtroopers with nothing better to do, expect two things: pregnancy scares and shenanigans. Many, many, <i>many</i> shenanigans."</p>
            </blockquote>





	101 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do In the Imperial Army

_**A Note From the Compiler :** _

_‘Sup, ladies and gents? I’m O, and I’m a stormtrooper._

_I know, I know, “what’s a mindless drone like you doing on the holonet,” you ask. Well, like everyone else, I get break time. The Empire’s strict, not stupid, and the organization itself takes care of its soldiers (it’s the homicidal officers you need to watch out for). I work one eight-hour shift and get the next two off. It’s not great, but at least it’s regular. But I digress._

_Most of you have seen the holos: ‘Join the Army! See the galaxy! Support your Empire!’ and all that jazz. Now, if you’re the poor unfortunate soul who gets deployed to a combat zone, you have my deepest and sincerest sympathies and I hope your body gets back in one piece._

_But if you’re like me, you get assigned to this little backwater rock in the Outer Rim where the Empire’s already got a foothold. Aside from the occasional rebel problem, it gets really boring really fast, and if there’s one thing that stormies don’t like, it’s being bored._

_There are some things that no amount of “psychological conditioning” can suppress, and when you’ve got an entire garrison of bored stormtroopers with nothing better to do, expect two things: pregnancy scares and shenanigans._

_Many, many,_ many _shenanigans._

_Explanations are as follows:_

  1. _I tried it myself and was reprimanded or commended for it. (Even my hardass Colonel was impressed with the golf course.)_
  2. _I watched someone else do it. (I just walked into the chow hall one day and there’s some dingus using a holopad as a discus.)_
  3. _I was spontaneously told not to do it. (No punching banthas, for instance.)_
  4. _Was the result of asking for clarification of #3. (“What if I have a good reason?”)_
  5. _I was minding my own business when it just happened. (Maj. D and I were leaning against a door frame talking when a droid comes rolling by with the holopad guy sitting on top of it. You can bet we both did a double take on that.)_



_May your blasters always shoot straight!_

_\-- O_

 

* * *

  

**101 Things I Am Not Allowed To Do In the Imperial Army**

  1.   Not allowed to use holopads as discuses.
  2.   Not allowed to hold an AT-DP drag race.
  3.   Not allowed to try on Minister Tua’s hat.
  4.   Not allowed to organize a strip sabacc tournament.
  5.   Not allowed to ride the droids around.
  6.   Not allowed to shave shapes into my hair.
  7.   Not allowed to shave shapes into my facial hair.
  8.   Not allowed to shave my facial hair into shapes.
  9.   Not allowed to juggle more than three jogans at once.
  10.   Not allowed to use helmets as literal buckets.
  11.   ISB does not stand for “Imperial Sons of Bitches.”
  12.   Nor does it stand for “Invariably Stuffy Bastards.”
  13.   It’s not the “Incubus Sex Brigade” either.
  14.   When the walkers are being cleaned and the hangar floor is all soapy, it is not an opportunity to show off my figure skating skills.
  15.   Not allowed to chew gum in formation unless I brought enough for everyone.
  16.   Not allowed to chew gum in formation even if I did bring enough for everyone.
  17.   Not allowed to polish my blaster while on guard duty.
  18.   Not allowed to “polish my blaster” while on guard duty.
  19.   Must attempt to not antagonize the ISB agent.
  20.   Must not refer to the ISB agent as “Agent Muttonchops” or any variation thereupon.
  21.   Take the eggs out of the shell before I put them in the blender.
  22.   Not allowed to swordfight with plastic piping.
  23.   There’s not enough room to dance in a walker’s cockpit.
  24.   Not allowed to start a betting pool on which cadets wash out first.
  25.   Not allowed to purchase someone’s soul with the budget surplus.
  26.   Not allowed to attempt to cook an egg on the roof of a troop transport.
  27.   Must not refer to TIE fighters as “flying eyeball solar panel thingies.”
  28.   Not allowed to punch banthas.
  29.   Even if I have a good reason to.
  30.   Not allowed to stop for ice cream while on patrol.
  31.   Not allowed to use a walker to make a beer run.
  32.   Not allowed to refer to the Inquisitor as “Tall, Dark, and Freaky” whilst he is in earshot.
  33.   Not allowed to do something if the thought of doing it makes me laugh for more than fifteen seconds.
  34.   Blinker fluid does not exist and I will not tell the cadets to go find me a bottle.
  35.   Not allowed to herd nerfs without a permit.
  36.   Must not use work terminal to pirate music.
  37.   Must not use someone else’s work terminal to pirate music.
  38.   Not allowed to mix water and green food coloring with the intention of drinking it out of a mouthwash container.
  39.   Take that hat off.
  40.   An order to put polish on my helmet means to put it on the whole helmet.
  41.   Not allowed to “ship” my superior officers.
  42.   Not allowed to speculate on the penis size of those ranked higher than me.
  43.   Including the women. Especially the women.
  44.   “Facial topiary” is not an appropriate term for a beard.
  45.   “Because my bra strap fell” is not an appropriate reason for taking off armor whilst on duty.
  46.   Must not tell a TIE pilot “There’s not enough room to fly under that” unless I want them to try.
  47.   Not allowed to use a blaster to make bagels.
  48.   A “crapload” is not a recognized unit of measure.
  49.   Not allowed to try on ~~Agent Muttonchops~~ Agent Kallus’s helmet.
  50.   Not allowed to dye my hair red.
  51.   Not allowed to dye my hair orange.
  52.   Not allowed to dye my hair yellow.
  53.   Not allowed to dye my hair green.
  54.   Not allowed to dye my hair blue.
  55.   Not allowed to dye my hair purple.
  56.   There is no meaningful difference between violet and purple.
  57.   Not allowed to dye my hair.
  58.   Not allowed to dye other people’s hair.
  59.   Not allowed to wear more than one hat at a time.
  60.   The point of raking the dirt in the PT yard is to teach me discipline -- not give me the opportunity to make a rock garden.
  61.   Engine lube is not interchangeable with that other kind of lube.
  62.   Not allowed to paint nudes, no matter how artistic they may be.
  63.   Not allowed to teach the CO’s kids how to swear in Aqualish.
  64.   Not allowed to hold landspeeder jousts without proper authorization and supervision.
  65.   Not allowed to sunbathe on top of troop transports.
  66.   Not allowed to upload pictures of superior officers to use as backgrounds on the holo-dartboards.
  67.   Not allowed to snooze in crates unless I want to wake up three hours later on Garel.
  68.   Not allowed to get the rest of my platoon to help me serenade Minister Tua with “That Lovin’ Feeling Is Gone” whilst on duty.
  69.   Not allowed to beatbox over the comlink.
  70.   Not allowed to start “yo mama” fights.
  71.   Not allowed to referee “yo mama” fights.
  72.   Not allowed to change the holographic display backgrounds to pictures of loth-cats.
  73.   Not allowed to declare myself Emperor.
  74.   Not authorized to perform marriages.
  75.   The ability to perfectly mimic ~~Sir Sideburns~~ Kallus’s voice must be used for good and not evil.
  76.   Attempting to requisition three hundred tubs of meiloorun-flavored ice cream, forty-five pairs of nylon pantyhose, and a crate of used podracer parts counts as a minor evil.
  77.   Pants are non-optional.
  78.   Not allowed to do cartwheels anywhere at any time.
  79.   No unauthorized hootenannies.
  80.   Not allowed out of the barracks while the governor is on base.
  81.   Not allowed to build a mini-golf course in the barracks.
  82.   Not allowed to set up a droid jousting tournament.
  83.   There are better ways to settle arguments than with mortal combat.
  84.   Men are not allowed to wear a miniskirt even if they do have the legs for it.
  85.   Not allowed to attempt to break the galactic record for "Most People Crammed Into a Walker Cockpit."
  86.   Not allowed to set up a jukebox in the chow hall.
  87.   Not allowed to rig said jukebox to the PA system.
  88.   Not allowed to reassign ranks to superior officers based on physical attractiveness.
  89.   Not allowed to pass lists of things I’m not allowed to do around the barracks.
  90.   Not allowed to use droids as stepstools.
  91.   “Cops and Rebels” is not an appropriate PT activity.
  92.   No, the droid does not look better with a wig and lipstick.
  93.   Not allowed to attempt to download 3.14 terabytes of loth-cat pictures to data servers.
  94.   Not allowed to build card houses with holopads.
  95.   Not allowed to play "the floor is lava” game outside of the barracks.
  96.   Not allowed to tape a paper cup to the top of my helmet.
  97.   Not allowed to make “pew pew pew” noises on the firing range.
  98.   Not allowed to challenge the next person that walks through that door to an arm wrestling match.
  99.   ~~Lord Reverse Landing Strip~~ Kallus can do a helluva lot worse than break my wrist, so unless I want to take a trip to the medbay, I should quit pissing him off.
  100.   Not allowed to “accidentally” piss him off, either.
  101.   Not allowed to post lists of things I’m not allowed to do on the holonet.



**Author's Note:**

> Since I put this at the end, I'm going to assume that you read it through. In that case, thank you for taking time out of your day to read this silly little thing!
> 
> This was inspired by [Skippy's List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army](http://skippyslist.com/list/). #15, #16, and #37 were lifted directly from the list because they were too great to pass up.


End file.
